I tend to write about my spiritual journey on this blog, and what that looks like in my lot in life. I hardly ever write about personal stuff, especially my career.
I am moving away from Joplin in two days and I am all over the map in my feelings about it.
I’m excited that I’m teaching because there was a point in time where I didn’t think I would ever teach again. I’m thankful to my own alma mater for letting me sub and reviving my passion for education. I met a lot of great students, and I discovered my passion for middle school! I got to work with the same group of kids for a few years and I honestly loved it.
I get to teach band! Band is always what I have wanted to teach, so I am excited about this opportunity. I’m not letting myself be a perfectionist this time, nor am I holding myself to impossible standards, so I will lead with compassion and grace, both for myself and my students.
I’m glad I get to take my dogs with me! I have blue heeler and a yorkie and they are my babies, especially my blue heeler. Last time, my mom had adopted a dog a year or so before I moved, and it broke my heart to leave her. This time, my dogs get to come with me! I am excited about that!
There are a lot of unknowns with COVID, and that is stressful and uncertain, but we kind of have to take things one day at a time and not stress too much.
My faith is steady. I know God loves me and is always with me, so I am not alone. My dogs are with me, so I am not alone. It is nice to have Jesus to lean on, and know he understands my struggles and he empathizes with all of them. That is very comforting. I am so thankful that my faith is not up in the air like it was three years ago, because I wouldn’t reach out to people for fear of what they would think (which now I think is dumb), and it all became a big mess. Now I know to find a church and get involved, and find people because we need community to thrive. We are not made to do things alone.
I am able to do therapy online through the end of the year! I was crying in my last therapy session because it’s the week of crying and I didn’t want to leave my therapist, but then he said he could do telehealth even though I am leaving the state and I nearly jumped out of my seat! Lol. I have loved therapy, and it is great to have a therapist who understands your spiritual journey instead of wanting to throw weird platitudes at you.
I get to move to pretty Kansas in a couple of days, and I am feeling all of the things about it.
As far as writing is concerned, I feel like I’m at a lull. I read what I needed to read out of Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? which was about abuse, and it answered my questions. Right now, I have started Simply Jesus by N.T. Wright, but I haven’t read much of it. I’m still reading a book of the Bible here and there, and it’s comforting, but I’m trying to not make it such a rigid thing like it was several years ago. I do like reading a book in one sitting because it flows better, instead of feeling like it’s in bits and pieces.
Social media (lol). I am unfollowing pages and groups that don’t speak to me anymore, I’m not sharing my journey as openly as before, and I am looking for more resources for reconstruction! I found a great Facebook group, and I’m hanging onto Facebook for said group. Twitter is hit or miss, as always. Some tweets go viral, others become targets of white nationalist trolls!! Yikes! Such is Twitter.
I feel like I have reconstructed to a healthier version of evangelicalism, or maybe I just love Jesus, but I’m so done with the social justice crowd. I grew tired of the inconsistencies a long time ago, and I don’t care anymore. It’s sticking up for whatever said leaders want to stick up for, meanwhile no one ever sticks up for you know, me, so much like egalitarianism, I am tired of the inconsistencies. I also don’t talk about church much anymore, but I do share my personal journey, as that’s where I am.
I’m wrestling with whether or not to shut down this blog. I have a lot of my journey recorded here; well, as much as I want to be public, and I’m no longer in the same place as I was three years ago. Thank God. I have noticed that a lot of my posts are reactionary and against some Other, instead of a more personal journey that is building and moving forward. Every time I walk away, I always come back.
One thing my therapist told me the other day: systems are never meant to save us. Jesus is what will save us. Many will see that as a dismissal of social justice related struggles, and see me using Jesus as a scapegoat. But complementarianism doesn’t work, egalitarianism isn’t foolproof and has a lot of issues, evangelicalism can be exclusionary, and Progressive Christianity can be reactionary. None of these systems truly work. I think we humans want to find systems and labels because it gives us a sense of belonging. However, if we are trying to fit inside a label, we won’t truly belong, because the second we step out of the label, we are no longer accepted. This is why we must belong to ourselves. It doesn’t matter what you post about on Facebook, or how many snarky tweets you post, what matters is that you are healthy and you love people. Systems cannot save us, but Jesus can.
Go with God.